The Edinburgh Fringe is well under way, so here are 50 of the best jokes you can expect to hear coming out of the Scottish capital:
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes, but that’s Heinz sight.
Nick Helm, Pleasance Dome, 5:40pm
Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions? I’ll let you be the judge of that.
Ivo Graham, Pleasance Courtyard, 7pm
I am a triple threat. I am disabled, I’m gay, and I’m a prick. The BBC love me.
Rosie Jones, Pleasance Courtyard, 11pm
A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course, that’s 20 cows’.
Jake Lambert, Pleasance Courtyard, 8.15pm
I moved from Malaysia to the UK mainly for comedy and so I can drink tap water and not shit myself.
Nigel NG, Pleasance Courtyard, 6.45pm
My Mum is always saying I need to take better care of myself, her biggest concern is to bury her only daughter. My dad’s biggest concern is being left with me as his primary carer.
Susie McCabe, Assembly George Square, 8pm
I seen an article online asking if Scottish people are as tight as people say we are, but unfortunately it was behind a paywall. I’ll never know.
Christopher Macarthur-Boyd, Gilded Balloon Teviot
A new eco-opera, Rainforest Ocean Blue, is a disaster. The tenor in particular is dreadful. An aria – The Sighs of Whales – is being destroyed every night…
Simon Evans, Assembly George Square Studios, 8.15pm
My friend slept with Uri Geller. Afterwards he laid on his side and she laid on her side snuggling into him. Then her head fell off.
Neil Delamere, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 7.30pm
Some people think being working class is a negative thing but I think there’s loads of benefits. I’ve claimed them all.
Kelly Convey, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm
I’m White and Chinese. I’m both majorities, bitch. I’m Pepsi and Coke.
Phil Wang, Pleasance Courtyard, 8pm
People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims.
Abbie Murphy, Gilded Balloon at Old Tolbooth Market, 1pm
I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.
Catherine Bohart, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit, I had to go back to Africa to see what a stable government looks like.
Daliso Chaponda, Gilded Balloon, 6.30pm
I was buying a dishwasher online, so I searched by price lowest to highest – the top result was a sponge.
Darius Davies, Just The Tonic, 2.20pm
Did you hear about the flee that went to the moon. Lunatic.
Felix & the Scootermen, Underbelly Bristo Square, 4.40pm
In his job my dad’s never lost a case. That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler.
Glenn Moore, Pleasance Courtyard, 4pm
They say some people ‘inhale books’. I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.
Izzy Mant, Underbelly Bristo Square, 2.50pm
Phil Wang contemplates human morality in his new show Philly Philly Wang Wang
I didn’t realise pre-drinks meant before drinking. Because I used to get offended on a night out when my friends called me a prima donna, but now I realise it’s just before I get a kebab.
Jack Gleadow, Pleasance Courtyard, 5.45pm
The best way to get the government to pay for your abortion in America is by sleeping with a married Republican. You may not even want an abortion but if one of those guys get you pregnant, watch your drink.
Jena Friedman, Assembly George Square, 9.20pm
Social media constantly creates new forms of online trauma like Dragging, Ghosting or Haunting. It’s pretty damning that the friendliest sounding one is online grooming.
Joe Jacobs, Just The Tonic, 4.00pm
I now know that sales is just about helping people realise there’s a problem and letting them know that you’ve got a way to fix it. So for example if I wanted to sell a jacket to Patricia I might look at the weather outside and say “Patricia, you’re hideous. Maybe this jacket will help.”
Kate Lucas, Just The Tonic, 6.20pm
The last guy I dated didn’t fart in front of me for two years and always had this very intense expression on his face whenever we talked. After two years he started farting rampantly. The whole time I thought he was a great listener, turns out he was just holding in farts.
Lucie Pohl, Gilded Balloon, 9.00pm
Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory. Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?
Mickey P Kerr, Underbelly Bristo Square, 5.45pm
British people are like coconuts. Hard on the outside but sweet once you crack us. Also often found full of alcohol and holding an umbrella.
Milo McCabe, Underbelly, 5.30pm
My husband is white, I am black, our children are grey.
Njambi Macgrath, Just The Tonic, 4.05pm
In working class areas in the really rough parts we call it a “No Go area” in the posh areas they call it a “Greggs or Wilko”.
Patrick Monahan, Gilded Balloon, 8pm
How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.
Phil Cornwell, Underbelly, 4.15pm
Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre. That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbecue.
Sam Morrison, Just The Tonic, 5.25pm
Did you know the word ‘Ikea’ is actually made up of two Swedish words? “Ika”, meaning “Sunday”, and “Keya”, meaning “f***ing ruined.”
The Scummy Mummies, Assembly Rooms, 7.50pm
I love dogs. If you don’t like dogs, that’s a red flag. You’re a criminal and you’re afraid a dog can smell your crimes on you. And if you’re allergic to dogs, well you shouldn’t have been such a shitty person in your past life.
Sean Patton, Gilded Balloon Teviot, 19:45
Then there’s my chiropodist, Siobhan, who reminds me that no matter how many times I fail, I will always be her son.
Len Blanco, Just the Tonic, 9.20pm
My dad is like a black James Bond: it’d be great to see him, but he’s unlikely to make an appearance.
Alexander Fox, Pleasance Courtyard, 6pm
I tell my friends I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them
on the 24th of July.
Andy Field, Just the Tonic, 2.10pm
I’ve been feeling suicidal so my therapist suggested I do CBT. Now I can ride a motorbike, how’s that going to help?
Eric Lampaert, Counting House, 4:15pm, Counting House
My girlfriend survived cancer in 2014, really hard year for both of us, I didn’t know her at the
time but I was between jobs.
Richard Stott, Gilded Balloon, 12.45pm
Nick Helm is back at the Fringe for the first time in six years
My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition. He was close, but no cigar.
Goose, Assembly George Square, 5.20pm
The other day my girlfriend asked me whether I would take a bullet for her. Obviously I said yes but the security staff in Ann Summers are very vigilant so I had to give it back.
Tom Taylor, Pleasance, 6pm
I’ve tried online dating. If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious.
Juliette Burton, Gilded Balloon, 5.30pm
I’m pretty sure Jesus is Gay because every time I go to God’s house he’s got pictures of him on the wall with 12 hot guys having brunch.
James Barr, Underbelly 5:20pm
I didn’t get involved in the incident outside the kebab shop. I thought ‘let the chips fall where they may’.
Martha McBrier, The Loft, 7:15pm
Someone once said to me ‘Billie you are so pretentious’ – I think it was Jean Paul Sartre. Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget.
Billie Trix, Assembly, 9.40pm
Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp.
Lucy Frederick, Underbelly Bristo Square, 2.50pm
The Australian government treats Aboriginal people much like you would your finest set of silverware… Like, if you have special guests, especially international ones, shine it up and show it off! Otherwise… Just lock it up.
Aboriginal Comedy Allstars, Assembly George Square, 3.55pm
My name is Sukh, which is short for Sukhjeet, which is Sanskrit for you’re never going to find it on a fucking keyring in a gift shop.
Sukh Ojla, Gilded Balloon, 5:15pm
My personal trainer said I’m a secret eater. I thought look at the size of me! That is not a well-kept secret!
Daisy Earl, Gilded Ballon, 4pm
I don’t watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. When I came out of the closet, I wanted to kiss boys, I didn’t know there’d be so much homework.
Zach Zimmerman, Gilded Balloon, 10.45pm
Well if it was called a ‘teethbrush’ I wouldn’t have been doing it wrong all these years!
Goodbear, Pleasance, 9.40pm
I got asked the other day if I Liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee.
Joey Page, Just The Tonic, 6.45pm
When I was a kid, I worried about weird stuff like getting trapped in a painting, though I don’t worry about that now as Jacob Rees-Mogg shows that you can get out of them again.
Jim Campbell, Just The Tonic, 5:20pm